


blue

by QWERTYouAndMe



Category: The Yogscast
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Five Stages of Grief, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Lowercase, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-19 00:31:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15498288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QWERTYouAndMe/pseuds/QWERTYouAndMe
Summary: the water shone brilliantly in the moonlight: a colour that made lalna think of xephos, but one that honeydew would just call blue.





	blue

**Author's Note:**

> unbeta'd and posted on a phone with a clunky interface and slow wifi so apologies for any mistakes
> 
> feel free to point out any in the comments and i'll fix em
> 
> cheers

the night loomed just outside the windows, utterly dark. not even the moon, the constant, comforting moon, dared to show her bright face tonight.  
honeydew woke with a jolt from a sleep he'd never meant to have. he rubbed his eyes, sitting up blearily.  
there. at the window.  
blue.  
xephos.  
half awake, half dreaming, honeydew scrambled to get out of bed, legs all tied up in the sheets.  
"xeph?" he cried, practically falling on the floor as he rushed to the window. to his dismay, the dull glow had retreated into the darkness, and with it, all hopes that xephos was out there. honeydew stayed there for a long time, gazing out into the darkness, willing the faint blue light to return.

but nothing came.

on the other side of the room, lalna sat up in bed.

"honeydew, he's not out there."

while honeydew didn't reply, somewhere, deep down, the dwarf knew it was true.

lalna looked at his friend with concern as the dwarf trudged back to his bed. honeydew wasn't dealing with what had happened to xephos well at all. from lalna's perspective, it seemed like honeydew thought it possible that xephos was really out there, as if it had all just been a clever ruse.

it hadn't felt like a ruse when xephos was sick.

* * *

 

_"xeph, are you feeling alright?"_

_lalna hung back, watching his friend warily._

_xephos stood with his back to lalna, tinkering with something at his workbench. normal._

_his red coat hung on a chair some way away. normal._

_a rash of blue, angry blisters crawled from the backs of his friend's hands onto his forearms. abnormal._

_xephos didn't answer his question. lalna came up behind him and grasped his wrist gently. the touch came as something of a surprise, and xephos wheeled around to face him, jerking his hand back._

_"let me see your hand," lalna commanded more than asked, and xephos folded his arms._

_"don't worry about it, it's fine," xephos mumbled. lalna was entirely unconvinced. the spaceman turned back to his workbench but didn't do anything. it was clear that xephos wanted him to leave._

_lalna forced himself to think rationally._

_xephos was forever getting ill because of things on earth. it took him months to just get used to the atmosphere. maybe he'd just tried something new and it had given him a reaction. he remembered the way xephos had reacted to water at first; weeks upon weeks of illness. maybe this was just that. lalna willed for it to just be that_

_but this was different to the usual bad reaction. lalna had read about this; mal de la lune. moon sickness. he didn't know if there was more than three reported cases since it's discovery. but one thing he did know, there was no cure, and there was no telling if it was survivable._

_this was exactly how it started: a rash of blisters. lalna wasn't sure why they were blue. maybe that was just xephos. maybe his alien nature was what made him susceptible._

_next step was fever, and sure enough, it came. xephos tried his best to work through it, though he was dizzy and shivery. honeydew had suggested he stay in bed till he felt better, and of course xephos had done so immediately. listen to the dwarf, lalna thought, not to the scientist_.

* * *

 

morning came.

honeydew didn't eat breakfast, just woke up and headed straight out without speaking to lalna.

the scientist threw himself into research all day, as he did most of the time now. he was trying - and failing - to discover a cure. the sickness had taken his friend. he was determined not to let it take anyone else.

honeydew returned and brought the night with him. he had a pack full of supplies, which he emptied and sorted, and then sat at the window without a word.

lalna stood up, leaving his research for the night. he crossed the room to where his friend sat and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"i'm going to make dinner."

no response.

"honeydew?"

no response

lalna sighed.  "honeydew, he-" he swallowed thickly. "he isn't coming back."

the dwarf wheeled around to face him. "how do you know that?" his voice carried a note of agression.

lalna prickled. "i'm a scientist, honeydew, i know what happens to people when they-"

"then why don't you go do some fucking science and make things good again? why didn't you do some science when he was _here_ and make him better?"

honeydew's voice was raised now, and he stood up on his chair to stare lalna in the eye.

"i was trying to find a cure!" lalna insisted, "i tried! i am trying! honeydew, i'm grieving too. did you ever consider that? he was my friend too, you know, and i'm grieving. if anything-"

"oh don't start!" honeydew snapped, sitting back down and looking away. "you've said it, you love to say it! you should be grieving more because you were there when he- when-' " the dwarf choked on his words, tears rising in his eyes. he covered his mouth with a hand, looking at the floor.

lalna put an arm around his shoulders and held him awkwardly. honeydew let himself be held.

the night rolled by at a snails pace.

they didn't speak of xephos again for a long time. life almost resumed as normal: both of them carried on with their work, carrying a stone in their chests but staying utterly quiet. this was normal. this was fine.

honeydew tried to catch lalna in a good mood. he offered the scientist tea as a peace offering before making his pitch.

"i need you to teach me science," honeydew stated, confidently enough. lalna regarded him with an air of scrutiny.

"what kind of science?"

honeydew faltered. he didn't even know if what he wanted to know was science. maybe it was magic.

maybe it was bullshit.

"the kind where you can talk to people on the other side."

lalna sighed, exasperated, and stood up from the table.  "no! honeydew, that isn't science, first of all, and it isn't going to happen!"

honeydew stammered. "but- i- but- it might-! lalna, please, i-"

"no!" lalna shouted, actually shouted, slamming a gloved hand down onto the table. "he's gone, honeydew, gone! when are you going to get this through your head? he is gone! and guess what? no amount of hoping, or science, or magic, or whatever you think about trying, is going to bring him back."

and with that, lalna turned on his heel and left.

honeydew was alone.

he wasn't sure how long he sat there, just staring at the wall.

he missed him.

blindly, honeydew got up and stumbled out of the door. there was no sign of lalna anywhere. the dwarf walked, as if on autopilot, until he found something he knew. constant, unchanging, homely: the mouth of a cave. he stepped inside and followed the chasm down as far as it would go. the dark was a huge comfort.

honeydew hunkered down in a corner and hugged his knees. for a long time, he thought of xephos, wondering in silence if he'd been angry at honeydew when everything had gone downhill.

the dwarf and the spaceman had argued, really argued, shouting and screaming. honeydew had left and done almost exactly this; hidden in a cave and waited until his problems just blew away on the wind. he couldn't keep track of time underground: he could be down for an hour, he could be down for a day.

when he'd finally returned home, xephos was gone.

the dark seemed to envelop him and roll him over and over in its grasp as he laid his head on his knees and sobbed. the sounds filled the empty space, echoing off the smooth, stone walls.

he didn't want to move or speak or breathe. he just wanted to curl up on the floor of this cave forever and cry and eventually just die here. he wouldn't mind.

it wasn't fair! xephos was a good man, a kind and strong and fair man. he had a good heart, and he loved his friends, and he would help anyone in need, even his greatest enemy. honeydew swallowed tears. memories flashed in his mind like the click of a camera shutter. everything they'd done, every win, every loss, every success, every failure. every mistake, every laugh, every kiss, every soft sigh breathed against bare skin.

everything.

* * *

 

lalna walked until he couldn't walk any more. he collapsed on the floor in the shade of a tree and stared up at the sky.

it was a beautiful day. the cloudless blue above him reminded him stingingly of xephos.

 _no_ , he scolded himself. _don't think about him_.

already, tears threatened to cloud his vision. he dashed them away. lalna hadn't cried in a long time. he hadn't cried the day it had happened. he hadn't cried when he'd buried his best friend. he wasn't crying now.

* * *

 

_lalna felt xephos' forehead for the tenth time that morning, just to feel like he was doing something. he'd given up searching for the cure now. it wasn't like it could do anything at this point._

_xephos, however, remained overwhelmingly positive. he looked at lalna through puffy, tired eyes, fixing him with a gentle smile. lalna tried his best to smile back._

_the scientist stayed by his side for most of the day, only leaving to bring water. xephos didn't eat much these days._

_lalna couldn't pinpoint the moment things had gone downhill, they just had. suddenly he was promising xephos a million different things and not really knowing what he meant by any of them. and then, xephos reached out to him with hot, eager fingers like a child's. lalna held his hand, whispering empty words to him in an attempt to soothe._

_xephos had hushed him and fixed him with a gentle, blue gaze. in the low light, his eyes glowed brighter than lalna bad ever seen them glow before. the spaceman smiled softly, hot hand still clinging to lalna's._

_"i- i don't have long," xephos had breathed, and lalna had known he was right. "thank you. for everything. please- tell honeydew- tell him- tell him i love him, and that i'm sorry."_

_even as xephos stuttered over his words, there was a wisdom and a truth to them that lalna admired._

_when he'd spoken, his gaze moved from lalna to just beyond him, eyes fixed on something lalna couldn't see. and then, xephos had smiled as if someone was telling him good news, squeezed lalna's hand, and closed his eyes._

_a long time passed. lalna let out a breath he didn't know he was holding._

_xephos' body was here, but xephos was gone_.

he still hadn't told honeydew what xephos had said. he felt irreparably guilty, but he couldn't bring himself to bring up the spaceman to honeydew, for fear of making him upset.

everything reminded him of xephos. the sky, the trees, the wind. every spot around here held a potent, bitter memory. lalna wanted to scream.

but he didn't scream, or cry, or even sigh in frustration. he stood, wiped himself off, and started to walk back home.

* * *

 

honeydew must have fallen asleep at some point, because he opened his eyes and his whole body ached.

he sighed deeply, standing up and dusting himself off. he followed the cave back up into the harsh light. it was too bright after the darkness of the underground. he found his way home in a bleary daze. lalna was in the kitchen.

honeydew opened the door and found himself almost immediately whisked up into lalna's embrace. the scientist held him tight, rambling about how worried he'd been and how much he'd missed him and how dangerous it could have been.

honeydew would have smiled, but it all felt too much.

lalna set him down and said, "let's go on a walk."

honeydew nodded.

they wandered until they found a hill overlooking a lake. they sat on the grass, watching the sun sink behind the water.

honeydew felt a sense of calm wash over him. all his anger, all his sadness, all his regrets, seemed to be washed away, and he was hit with a sense of clarity.

xephos was dead.

the sun set, and the stars came out. honeydew lay on his back and stared at them, wondering if one of them was his friend's home planet.

somewhere, out there, was a planet full of tall people with glowing eyes. somewhere was a planet full of people like xephos, but none of them _were_ xephos. none of them could be xephos, but he didn't want them to be. xephos was dead. that was that.

the water shone brilliantly in the moonlight: a colour that made lalna think of xephos, but one that honeydew would just call blue.


End file.
